BY BILL HEANEY

Maybe it’s just as well this gruesome twosome declined the titles of Earl and Duchess of Dumbarton.

Their planned Christmas party at Dumbarton Castle would almost certainly have been a roaster, and most of us would have left before Boris Johnston gave the vote of thanks.

I am told that Megan and Harry would not appreciate the patter of the deprived Dunbartonians who have been silly enough to squander the contents of their sporrans on buying in Netflix to view the movie these two were given £ millions for making.

And I am pleased to see that most of my friends on Facebook agree.

Craig Williams, who holds a high falutin post on BBC Scotland and is married to a Dumbarton lassie who also works at Pacific Quay, posted: “I have had a peek at the Sussex programme and the standout for me is their honking patter. It’s full of pointless anecdotes which go nowhere. I kept expecting her to say “Oh, what are we like, eh?”

May be an image of 2 people and people standing

The lovely Rona Campbell told me: “I watched all three last night as background to what I was doing. I was actually surprised by some of the stuff to do with racism. It was spot on. That said, as a republican, I wish they’d all go away. No one should be expected to curtsey in this day and age . It’s subservient rubbish. She had no chance.”

Rona bowed out on that, but Carole Bentley said: “Won’t be watching – I haven’t got six hours to spare – but from what I read they’ve got a justifiable complaint about the racist/misogynistic behaviour of the tabloids. You could see it coming a mile off…….”

But Craig Williams told her: “I’m keeping out of it all. All I’m saying is they are not the Duke and Duchess of Bantz.”

And, as I wrote earlier, I said I’m glad they haven’t added Dumbarton to their tarnished names.

Daniel McGachey commented: “Good grief, these soap opera spin-offs! Is this like Hollyoaks Later, which was just like Hollyoaks but they got to say the odd sweary word?”

Linda Whiteford replied: “I’m going to force myself to watch it now. I’ve watched enough of the “Faking It” series to know if they’re putting it on, or not.”

The Sage of Scottish Scribblers, John MacLeod, told us: “Reviews have been so dreadful I haven’t bothered to watch it.”

James Duff – no, not Ballyjamesduff, which is where H&M should have gone to live among the hills in County Cavan, wrote: “Man who claims he wanted no longer to be part of his family uses the same inherited privilege to make £30 million.”

Frank Em is taking the matter quite seriously. He said: “I’m no royalist and I have no real interest in them but I’d strip them of their titles and any financial support they receive from any royal list.”

Paul Alexander Mudie said: “I’ve been finding other things to look at on Netflix.”

So have I but, as I revealed in my Notebook yesterday, they have been something of a letdown.

Bruce Milne said: “Glanced at some tabloid headlines today and all I can say is they’ve got a point.”

Nigel Brown hit the spot with this remark: “As our US cousins say ‘I really could not care less!’ Two multi millionaires who have busted away from a bunch of other multi millionaires supposedly because their life was really shit.

“I retain a smidgen of respect for him for a) his military service b) setting up Invictus which has turned around many wrecked lives . Apart from that I really find their level of wealth and their life priorities so meaningless in our current broken world. Controversial question – who looks at M.M. and sees a black woman ?”

Catriona Balfour wrote what annoyed her was “the way they kept referring to each other by their initial. ‘When I first met H’ H&M indeed.”

Hannah McGill, who knows what she’s talking about when it comes to movies, wrote: “Initials are all they have left. Someone took the other letters. Not saying who but it was Kate.”

John Cavanagh revealed: “I saw Carole Malone on tv t’other night, venting indignation about the suggestion that Britain was riddled with latent racism. She looked shocked! Outraged!!

“The stooshie over ructions in the royal family is a matter of how interested you are in ‘the Queen’s legacy’ (as the Daily Express framed it); the bit about racism in our society, media and, from clear recent evidence, the workings of the royal machine can hardly be denied.”

Mhairi McFarlane said: “Oh, and as for the press attacks it’s a ‘yes and no’ isn’t it. The Daily Mail has unleashed a barrage of demented abuse, but it’s also what happened with the family, on a macro scale: picked fights, got fights, screamed victimhood.

“The relationship between the Royals & media is symbiotic so there’s no serious analysis possible unless you accept that some unwelcome stories & criticism are the tithe for the castles.

Craig Williams attempted to extricate himself with this: “I u’re all mistaking me for someone taking this seriously: THEIR PATTER IS SHITE, GUYS. THAT’S IT. If they were in your company in the pub and “Haz” took “Em” to the bar to get the beer and the crisps in, you’d be turning to one another like ‘We seriously need to get away from these two…I’m no spending the night listening to this shite…if she suggests going for dinner, I’m away hame’.

Don’t call that taxi just yet though, Craig.

Anne J McCluskey (I love the J part of this) said: “Well I loved it !! Especially episode 3 when there is the bombshell of her niece !”

Three exclamation marks in one sentence is not something you see often these days.

Victoria Dixon surprised me anyway when she wrote: “I very much enjoyed reading this thread whilst sipping my morning cup of tea [in bed]. Thanks, all. Craig is right – their patter is pure pish, dull as fuck and they’re stating the obvious [racism etc]. Nigel’s comment above about M.M. made me nod. And their initial using made my grippers curl. Anyway, they need to dry their eyes and never make a TV programme again.”

Basia Zamorska admitted: “I hit a trough yesterday, so thought I’d indulge my fave bloodless sport. Gaaahd, it was so farkin’ tedious. Absolute tripe, and I wish I’d multi-tasked more. What *was* that weird blurry shot through glass effect on MM?

“Also, what happened right, was that some of the presenters and commentators on Oz tv on Youtube made me laugh so much while reviewing it, I thought that was enough, so it shows how demented I’d become to actually watch any. Made up for it by watching the new Lady Chatterley’s Lover. No DH Lawrence work is ever to be fiddled with without my tin bath worth of dutty water.”

Severin Carrell, the distinguished editor of The Guardian in Scotland, is worth lending an ear to- “Netflix. Where quality filters go to die.”

I think we’ll finish on that one. Well, we’ll see. Apologies though about the scatological language in some of this. I hope readers were not too offended.