Tom Morton

One Hundred Thousand Motorhome Welcomes To The North Coast 500
Welcome, gigantic motorhomes!
Welcome as irritable bowel syndrome
Blocking our poor wee Highland roads
Enormous alloy-wheeled abodes
Inflicting delays, as along they creep
Before speeding up and maiming our sheep.
I saw one van, I got quite depressed
It was double the size of Inverness
Two motorcycles on a rack
And then a trailer at the back
And on the roof were two canoes
Two surfboards, a gas barbecue
The owners stopped and lit a bonfire
As in the dark the flames grew higher
Growing short of fuel they then commenced
To use the posts from a boundary fence
Knocking craft gin and tonic back
Eating gluten free and vegan snacks
But while they were occupied I chose
To carefully attach a hose
To their toilet tank’s outflow
The other end through a rear window
I turned the tap and beat a retreat
The smell was anything but sweet
What joy for them, as drunk and fed
They then retreated to their beds…
The advantages are clear to me
Of staying at a b&b
A bed, some breakfast, conversation
No risk of local retaliation
Come in a car, we are not purists
We welcome a freespending tourist
In hatchback, on horse or in invalid carriage
Just leave your camper in the garage
Dump sewage in your own driveway
Make that your ordure of the day.
Chemical toilet disposal facility at Tarbet Loch Lomond.

One comment

  1. Not politically correct I know but these camper vans and motor homes are effectively modern day part time tinkers.

    They bring little if any economic benefit to the area serving only to clog the roads and leave their sewage by the roadside.

    The poem says it all.

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