“The Scottish Government continues to take a range of measures to ensure that children and staff working in schools are as safe as it is possible for them to be.

” One of those measures is, of course, one that Douglas Ross, against all logic and most expert evidence, opposes. That is asking staff and pupils in our secondary schools to wear face coverings. It is a basic mitigation. On the issue of ventilation …”

Mr Ross pointed out that this was about “chopping the bottom off of doors”.

Ms Sturgeon gave him the frostiest of frosty looks. She told MSPs, many of whom looked as if they were enjoying this: “Douglas Ross is shouting, ‘Chopping the bottom off of doors.’  [Interruption.] In trying to improve ventilation in a room, a number of things need to be done. Partly, it can be about air filtration to purify the air; partly, it is about ventilation and mechanical ventilation systems. [Interruption.] However, it is also partly …”

There was uproar and the Presiding Officer, Alison Johnstone, stepped in: “First Minister, I am sorry. We are just beginning this session and I am very keen that all members can hear the questions and responses. Thank you.”

The First Minister had been reeled in. She swallowed the bait – hook, line and sinker.

Others might have laughed it off, but she took it seriously.

She said: “Unbelievably, the key point is that it is partly about taking measures to ensure that the natural flow of air in a room is maximised. If doors or windows are not enabling that natural flow of air in the way that is wanted, it strikes me as basic common sense to take measures to rectify that.”

Surprisingly no one stepped in to tell her that giving rowdy pupils – according to recent reports there are plenty of them around – a few bob and getting them to smash the classroom windows would have a similar effect to cutting the bottom off doors (Ed).

She added: ““Therefore, we have given additional money to local authorities to allow them to take whatever steps are needed—air filtration systems, mechanical ventilation or basic rectification of the structure of classrooms—to improve the natural flow of air. That strikes me as basic common sense. If Douglas Ross wants to have serious discussions about these matters, perhaps he could start by making sure that it is a grown-up discussion.”

But Mr Ross was not for putting the red card back in his pocket. He told Ms Sturgeon: “I want to have a serious discussion about the matter. This is a grown-up matter and issue. It was telling that, in a very long answer of several minutes, the First Minister could not bring herself to accept that it is about chopping the bottom off of doors. However she tries to dress it up and say that it is basic common sense, it has been met with derision. It is a serious issue.

“There are more consequences, including safety issues. Concerns have been raised about the risk from fire from the plan. This morning, a retired firefighter wrote to us. He said: ‘The doors in a school are essential for holding back heat and smoke, should a fire start.

 “The First Minister wants a grown-up and serious conversation about the matter, so does she agree with that quote from the retired firefighter and will she stand up and tell us what consultation her Government had with the Scottish Fire and Rescue Service about the plans?”

Furious, the First Minister told him: “This is an absurd line of questioning. First of all, to aid Douglas Ross’s understanding of the situation, I point out that we are not requiring local authorities to chop the bottom off every door in every classroom across the country. I am struggling to believe that I am having to take Douglas Ross through the matter in such a basic manner.

“The first point—[Interruption.]—is this one. If a door is hung in such a way that it is inhibiting the natural flow of air, one of the options that a local authority should have is to rectify that—[Interruption.]—and we are giving them some money to do that 

“I am finding it quite difficult to believe the infantile approach of the Scottish Conservatives to such serious issues.”

Most of us were finding it difficult to believe that we were in parliament and down the road at a comedy in the Edinburgh Festival.

The First Minister ploughed on: “My second point is that health and safety applies to all the decisions that a local authority makes when deciding which measures to take.

“The Scottish Government is giving local authorities the financial wherewithal to do what they consider necessary to improve air flow and ventilation in schools. Most of the spaces in our education estate will not need any of those measures.

“Where buying air filtration systems, such as high-efficiency particulate air filters, is appropriate, local authorities will have the ability to do that; where there is a need to deploy mechanical ventilation, they will do that; and, yes, where there is a need to make some basic structural changes to aid the flow of air, they will do that, too. That is basic common sense, which is perhaps why—I do not know—it is evading Douglas Ross.”

Mr Ross was now winding her up, and by the look on Ms Sturgeon’s face he was doing it successfully.

He told parliament, which was beginning to sound like The Palladium: “I do not know why it is evading Nicola Sturgeon to just accept that it is chopping the bottoms off of doors. It may be ‘basic structural changes’ in the language of Nicola Sturgeon and the Scottish National Party, but it is basically chopping the bottoms off of doors.

“It is interesting that the First Minister called my questions an infantile approach given that in her answer she could not bring herself to respond to the retired firefighter who is raising concerns and to confirm to Parliament what discussions and consultations she had with the Scottish Fire and Rescue Service about the changes that her Government is asking councils across Scotland to make.

“The First Minister also said that a range of measures are in place. Some of those are much more appropriate, but they are being delivered far too slowly. She mentioned the HEPA filters, so let us look at those. Bringing in air filters for classrooms is a far more sensible approach, which has been welcomed by every party in the chamber.

“I again ask the First Minister to answer a basic question. Can she tell us how many of those essential filters her Government has distributed across Scotland and how many are up and running in our classrooms right now?”

The Big Yin Billy Connolly, pictured right, once dismissed Holyrood as “the pretendy wee parliament” and it was beginning to look like that now. It was becoming more box office than Westminster.

The First Minister said:  “First, I say to Douglas Ross that I addressed the point about fire safety: all those issues have to be taken into account when local authorities are making decisions on health and safety grounds for schools.”

(All I can say about that is: Has the FM ever been to a meeting of West Dunbartonshire Council, SNP-led, of course. Editor)

Ms Sturgeon added: “Secondly, is Douglas Ross really saying to me that if, in the judgment of the people who make those health and safety decisions for local authorities about our school estate, the way in which a door is hanging is inhibiting the air flow, he thinks that no rectification should be made to that? That is why I think his approach is utterly infantile.

“Finally, on the point about HEPA filters or air cleaning and filtration units, which are temporary solutions—they are not recommended as long-term or permanent solutions for improving ventilation—we are not distributing those to local authorities. We have set up a £5 million ventilation fund so that local authorities can take the remedial measures that they think appropriate for any spaces in the education setting that they think require those.

“On the estimate for the number of spaces, the funding that we have made available would enable local authorities to install, if they think it appropriate, air cleaning and filtration units, small mechanical ventilation units or extractor fan units, or to make some basic structural changes to windows or doors if that is thought appropriate.

Tory leader Douglas Ross and First Minister Nicola Sturgeon – prickly debate over doors.

“We have provided £5 million in funding for the spaces that need such rectification, and the estimates suggest that what is required is £4.3 million, so we have built in some contingency.

“We have provided funding for local authorities, but we are not requiring them to chop anything off of doors; we are enabling local authorities, guided by health and safety considerations, to take the actions that they consider to be necessary.

“The only thing that is being chopped off in this session of First Minister questions—it is entirely self-inflicted—is Douglas Ross’s own legs at the knees.”

Had this been in the Glasgow Empire in the old days then both these guys would have been booed off the stage (Ed).

“This is First Minister’s questions and, just once, it would be nice to get a First Minister’s answer. There was still nothing in her reply about the consultation that her Government has had with the Scottish Fire and Rescue Service. For the third time, First Minister, what discussion has the Government had with the SFRS about the proposals?

“The funding has gone to local authorities, but the Scottish Government surely does not just give millions of pounds to local authorities without expecting to know how many air filters are being distributed. I would like an answer to that. The First Minister must know how many there are and how many are in place right now.

 “I thought that, throughout the pandemic, there was consensus across the Parliament and Scotland that young people’s education should be the priority. However, schools seem to have fallen down the priority list for the First Minister’s Government. Kids still have to wear face masks in the classroom when the requirement has been lifted elsewhere.

“This week, the Educational Institute of Scotland union described the extra funding for ventilation as “long overdue”. On Sunday, a spokeswoman for the Scottish teachers for positive change and well-being group said:  ‘We’ve had summer 2020, we’ve had summer 2021, we’ve had two winters and two periods of long lockdown where all these things could have been put in place’.

“They are right, aren’t they? Will the Government pick up the pace and guarantee that all the serious ventilation measures—not chopping the bottom off of doors—will be in place by the time that schools go back after the February break?”

Ms Sturgeon said the responsibility for consulting with the Fire Brigade lay with local councils.  She added: “Douglas Ross wants to pick and choose the mitigations that he thinks are appropriate. Today, he is talking about ventilation. He is absolutely entitled to ask the questions—if I was in his shoes, I might try to ask better questions, but that is just a matter of opinion.

“However, when the majority of expert opinion says that, in order to help us to keep schools safely open—as we have managed to do for most of the pandemic—it is appropriate to ask staff and secondary school pupils to wear face coverings, he opposes that for political opportunistic reasons.

“Let us continue, as this Government is doing, to take the balanced approach to keeping our schools safely open. That is the responsible approach that this Government has been taking, and in that approach, according to all evidence, we are backed by the majority of people in Scotland. We will leave the political opportunism and, frankly, infantile approaches to Douglas Ross and the Conservatives.

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What’s a couple of million quid between friends? The enigma that is Cllr Jonathan McColl, leader of the SNP administration at basket case West Dunbartonshire Council, seems to think not a lot.

In one of his very recent gubornatorial-type addresses to the long-suffering citizens of West Dunbartonshire, he said they needn’t worry about the upcoming increases in council tax.

They would not be as bad as the SNP’s critics were suggesting, he claimed stupidly.

I say stupidly because he must have missed the reports about the perilous financial state the country is in and the rocketing prices everywhere one looks – from the petrol stations to the pizza shops.

Cllr McColl must be getting worried about the upcoming May elections when instead of making the usual swingeing cuts, the SNP candidates should prepare themselves for the claymore being turned on them.

And all those development projects they wish to see foisted on us – such as Flamingoland at Balloch and that lochside monstrosity at Ross Priory  – securely placed on the Council agenda without public approval.

This “maybes aye, maybes naw” style of democracy (don’t make me laugh.Ed) should be put to the sword by the electorate immediately.

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And just in case you missed it, or didn’t have time to read all of it, I wish to draw your attention to the ludicrous proposal I have written about in the first part of this Notebook.

Nicola Sturgeon seems to think we can cure the ventilation problem in the classrooms of our schools by cutting the bottom off classroom doors to let fresh air circulate more efficiently.

Why doesn’t she send Cllr McColl and her SNP acolytes around the schools to warm things up given the wind, rain, snow and infections swirling around just now?

There’s enough hot air coming out of that mediocre bunch to keep us and our children warm for the rest of the winter.

Top of page cartoon: Bob the Builder will have his work cut out once Nicola tells him to cut the bottom off classroom doors.