by FINTAN O’TOOLE in The Irish Times

A friend (obviously thinking I need it) recently gave me a book he found in a second-hand shop. It is called Christian Politeness and Counsels for Youth and was published in Dublin by the Irish Christian Brothers for the instruction of the sort of lower-class Catholic boy contemptuously dismissed by Simon Dedalus in Ulysses as “Paddy Stink and Micky Mud”, of whom I was undoubtedly one.

Here are the essential commandments for decent behaviour extracted from the guide:

1. When standing, the toes should be turned out a little, and the heels separated somewhat from each other.

2. Neither must we rest our heads against the wallpaper, thereby staining it.

3. One should not so far forget himself as to whistle in the street, nor in public vehicles, nor at public meetings, nor in any place where it may annoy. The habit of whistling should be altogether avoided.

4. A gentleman does not open conversation with an unknown lady when travelling by rail; the initiative belongs to her – a privilege which she should very rarely avail of.

6. When in repose, the mouth should not remain partly open. An open mouth denotes feebleness of character.

7. Nowadays, the hand is not extended as formerly, but is offered on a line parallel with the chest, a little higher than in the old style.

8. Never merely touch your fingers to your hat after the manner of servants.

9. The ears should not be cleaned of superfluous wax by means of a pinhead.

10. It is excessively rude and offensive to spit on the floor, or into the fire, or even on the footways in the streets.

12. Conversations whose only subject is eating or drinking are unworthy of a rational being, much less a Christian. When such topics are introduced, we should be careful not to speak of the good dinners of which we may have partaken, and, still less, of the tables or good cheer to which we may have been invited.

13. Politeness should be observed even when a person dines alone.

14. If a fly or a piece of cork gets into your glass, do not blow it out, nor remove it with your fingers.

15. It is vulgar to play with the salt cellar and spoon, knives, forks, et cetera, to tattoo with your fingers on the table, to look curiously at the plates of others, or to scrutinise others while they eat.

16. It is vulgar to drink from your saucer.

18. One may admire the flowers or other table decorations, but the viands must not form a subject. It is well also to avoid subjects of a political or controversial nature, as they frequently give rise to heated discussions.

19. No sign or gesture of impatience should be manifested even should there be undue delay on the part of the servants.

20. Avoid putting your arm around your soup-plate.

21. The fashion of eating cheese from the point of the knife has died out except among the old-fashioned.

22. The terms “Port wine” and “Sherry wine” are vulgar. “Port” and “Sherry” are merely used.

24. When visiting museums and picture galleries you should not point with stick or umbrella at the various objects of interest.

25. Politeness condemns the effeminate tone so common among the youth of our own day. It is inconsistent with true elegance, and is an evident sign of pitiful foppery, or of intellectual weakness.

26. A song of two verses is sufficient. If the hearers desire more, they will ask for it.

27. A young gentleman has been known, who so far forgot himself as to sing a comic song in the presence of an eminent lady to whose personal defects the illusions applied, by which unfortunate mishap all the company present were put to much confusion.

28. Irony, in addressing others, or speaking of them, should not be indulged in.

30. Many expressions that are objectionable and inelegant are frequently heard, such as, “beastly dull”, “rotten”, “you bet” …

31. On seeing a thing for the first time, we should not give way to extravagant exclamations of surprise or admiration.

32. In addressing viscounts and viscountesses, the form of superscription and address is the same as to earls and countesses.

33. There is a class of rude and troublesome persons – travellers – who speak of nothing but their adventures, the countries which they have travelled through, the real or imaginary dangers that they have encountered, continuing to repeat the same circumstances a hundred times over. Such persons should avoid troubling others with their narrations.

34. Conversing with an author, one has only to inquire of his new book.

35. The fault of an ecclesiastic, whether real or imaginary, should never be the subject of conversation.

36. Boys subject to sexual or physical abuse by Christian Brothers should remain silent on the subject and avoid at all costs the giving of scandal.

37. On no account should members of the judiciary refer to the “morally bankrupt and totally unfair” legal strategies adopted by the Christian Brothers to prevent importunate persons from seeking redress in the courts.

I made up the last two, of course – far too absurd to be credited.